From November CampTalk - Outdoor Parenting

My son went dove hunting for years before he was big enough to shoot. With the safety course under his belt at 12, he became a full fledged member of the opening day group that I had been out with for years. The 4:30 am breakfast, the drive to Snyder, steak the night before at Bucks- all of it took on a new flavor when he graduated from spectator. And, gratefully, in his first year there were a lot of birds and he limited out well before noon. The second morning at the café held just as much promise and excitement and everyone was talking about their failures and successes the day before. Mid breakfast one of the comments caught my ear. If I heard right, some of the guys at the next table had limited opening morning and had returned to a tank that afternoon for additional shooting. I watched closely to see if my son picked it up. It seemed to be going over his head but by now I was hearing more comments about the double dip. This table of guys slowly realized that their discussion was being overheard and that my son was examining them. A friend sitting to my right leaned into my ear and asked me how much Nintendo a reward would buy if my son turned in the poachers. The talk turned and I dismissed the event and never really thought of it again.

I don’t hold myself up as the beacon of ethics in the outdoor world, but I do try to consider what is right and wrong, and certainly what is legal. I learned my lesson when the game warden caught me without a plug over a pond in North Dakota. I explained truthfully to him that I had been turkey hunting the week before in Missouri where plugs were not required. With his ball point pen inserted as a plug and a warning, he sent me back to the pond. I don’t think of myself as particularly virtuous but when I had kids I noticed my behavior was being watched by people very important to me, and ones I seemed to have an impact on. I had no idea I was talking to other drivers until my (then) three year old son asked me “what a gashole was.” I blanched, and told him the best that I could come up with, that it was where you put the gas into the truck. My lesson about talking to other drivers was learned there as well

Last year in Snyder, 8 years later, my son thanked me for not taking him back out to shoot more than his limit on his first opening dove day. “I would have hated to have had to work through that” he said. And I wasn’t even sure he was paying attention.

Side by Side in Camptalk

The following is the article currently running (August 09) in Camptalk, the monthly publication of the Dallas Safari Club. I have secured a column there based on the concept of "Outdoor Parenting." My kids are tolerating it well so far. Time will tell.

Side By Side:
My son got this terrible look on his face. All I had done was ask him to step out onto the porch with me as I needed to talk to him. He didn’t want to go outside and I asked him why. “Because you’re like the Santa Claus of bad news when we have to talk on the porch. It’s where you talk about STD’s, drugs, my speeding ticket, smoking, and every other thing I have ever done wrong.” He really did catch me by surprise. He was relieved to find out I only wanted to ask about his schedule and an elk hunt draw in Colorado. We didn’t draw Colorado that year but he pointed something out to me in the exchange. That is, very little of my “telling” is well received. Truth be told, most of the wisdom I have ever been able to impart to my kids has been while we were side-by-side, certainly not face to face.
“Why does the buck chase the doe?” he asked me when we were sitting on Willow Creek outside Mason. We had let the doe and the trailing buck go but my son tossed me a pitch that any Dad could have hit out of the park. The chance to tell my boy about the birds the bees and the bucks, and he brought it up!
I told him about the rut, I told him about estrus, I told him about fawns and fights and I told him what went where and what happened when it got there. With every piece of information he kind of blinked and adjusted his neck. I finished and let him ponder all of this for just a moment and then laid the punch line on him. “And it is just like that for people too” I told him. With a look of shock and awe he turned to me wide-eyed and said “NOOOO” loud enough that the buck (long since gone) probably heard him.
When you’re side-by-side with your kid you can sneak up on them. For some reason, a kid can talk to the parent easier if both are facing forward. One of the most important aspects of hunting and fishing with my kids has been the windshield time we got to spend together. With a trip longer than the one to the 7-11 the topics invariably get deeper. If you listen you can begin to hear what they truly are worried about and dealing with.
Parenting is more art than science. The sooner we learn to take up the teaching moments when they occur, side by side, the sooner we get to engage our kids about what is important.

Boundaries and Adolescents

My first article published in the Morning News. A client couple had brought me a child to "fix." I needed to work more with the parents than the child.......

Boundaries and Adolescents

This fall I entrust another child to PISD as she moves to middle school. As a parent, I would prefer to continue with Indian Princess. As a counselor I recognize that adolescence has begun, and my task as parent is to provide safe boundaries in which she can grow. Not always an easy task. I remember her and see her as a smaller child but am constantly challenged to see her as a young adult. Boundaries, I know, are to be tested. It is difficult for me to hold the line at times, and will admit that it is easier to do ahead of time, rather than in the thick of the battle. Having done this once already, I see some of the pitfalls that lie ahead. First when you are told by your adolescent (it doesn’t matter if they are 13 or 17….) that no one else has a curfew, it is not true. When you are told that no one else’s parents call to check if there is a parent at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to call if their plans change, it is not true. When you are told that there is always beer and pot at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to work, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to pay for their auto insurance and gas, it is not true. When you are told that everyone is having sex, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to spend time with their family, it is not true.
If these are true for your child’s friends, then your child needs new friends, because the parents of these friends do not know how to set boundaries for their children, and they are hurting them far more than helping them.
The rough guidelines that we begin with include curfew with acknowledgement that nothing begins until school work is addressed. Once plans are made, we expect them to remain constant unless we are asked about it ahead of time. (Phone calls to ask to change plans at 11:40 pm with a midnight curfew don’t get approved). We expect to know where our kids are and who they are with. At younger ages, I demand to know who is providing the supervision. Even at older ages it is not safe to turn our kids loose to just drive around town with their friends, and come and go wherever and whenever they please.
Growth from adolescence to young adulthood is a big jump. The risk is to allow a child the freedoms of adulthood without the responsibility. I see many parents try to avoid the conflict of having to set appropriate boundaries (and natural consequences when violated), but the cost in abandoning your child is their emotional and social retardation. Once on their own, the child has little else to do but fail. The workforce, college, and the real world in general does not take on the task to provide a responsibility-free lifestyle. Boundaries at their best, keep everybody safe. When responsibility is shown, it is appropriate to move the boundary. It is a fluid process, and one with which I am not always comfortable. I do believe that the struggle is worth it however, our children are too important to simply hand over to the world without equipping them.
P.S. – If your adolescent is female, you need to read Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher.

Relationships on Hold

My son answered the phone one time too many at the dinner table. I'll fix him......... (published in the Dallas News).

Relational Respect

In 1982 I took my first position out of college with Eli Lilly & Co. Probably the greatest perk for that job was the mobile phone (not cellular) they provided us. The handset was mounted on the dash and about the size of a loaf of bread. The box that fueled it was mounted in the trunk and was the size of a small microwave. To get one in Dallas, the wait was 5-7 years, so I drove to Brownwood to get one sooner. The installation only took 9 hours. As you traveled from town to town, you toggled the tower numbers on the control panel according to a national directory you were given. I was always careful to call ahead to let my date know I’d be a few minutes late. It always impressed and to have a mobile phone when no one else did truly fed my ego.
Flash forward 25 years and my 13 year old sends photos and texts on a phone smaller than a pack of cards. We can’t get through a meal without somebody’s phone going off. We sure are in touch with each other. Today, the status is found with the one that can turn the phone off, or go somewhere without it. Kids today (I now officially sound like my father) see nothing wrong with interrupting an in-person conversation with someone to take a call, or respond to a text. Back when Alexander introduced the ringing of the phone to the world, it tapped into a primal need we have to be wanted and valued by another. The urgency in a ringing phone took hold there and has been passed down from generation to generation. An interesting byproduct of this however is that we now claim the urgency of the ring (or vibration) over the actual importance of the call. If you don’t believe me, listen to your neighbor at Starbucks or dinner and pay attention to the inane level of conversation. When did that become urgent or important?
I first thought the cell phone (and email and AIM and etc.) were going to help us improve our relationships. We were going to be able to connect better. We were going to be able to show others we value them. What I see however is how we show the ones we are with how much we do not value them when we place our interest in the unknown at the other end of the cell.
I have begun to believe that this busy-ness (at the expense of the relationship) is so we do not have to deal with others or ourselves at an intimate level. We are, after all, too busy. I have clients, in my office for marriage counseling, who have convinced their spouse that they do not know how to turn off their Blackberry. Please. I have seen them answer the call in my office because it was ringing. At some point intention- and what we want to believe about someone else- gets trumped by what their behavior indicates. When you are sitting in marriage counseling, and you answer the phone, it is because the call is more important than the spouse. Bet if you drop the PDA in a bucket of water it will turn off (or at least mute the ring).
The way to meet the need to be known by another (and to know them) is through appropriate intimacies (that may in fact be through the use of a cell phone) that focus on how we show the other they are important to us. “Put the phone away at dinner” I tell my kids, “and pay attention to those of us, with you, at the table.” There is a time to “check in” with others but not at the expense of the one you are with in person. Especially when on the counselor’s couch talking about marriage problems around communication.

Drive Day For Teens

This is an article that was written as my youngest began to drive. It hit me clearly that she needed as much experience as she could obtain. Not that she is a bad driver (only 1 speeding ticket to date!) but experience does not substitute for ability.

Drive Day

For several years I have modified my email electronic signature to note events or trends in my children’s lives. It occurred to me the other day that a change is impending as my 14 year old daughter anticipates learning to drive.
In Texas the kids get to start learning to drive at 15 or so to prepare for the licensing process. Generally, with a few hours of classroom teaching, the student can obtain an instruction permit once they are 15. This permit allows them to begin behind the wheel education. With a minimum of 6 months of further education (classroom, behind the wheel and testing) the student is eligible for licensing at 16. Even then there are additional limitations on the license. Two that I am very much in favor of are the prohibition of more than one passenger in the car that is under the age of 21. Focus is required for driving and a car full of your buddies does not contribute to this focus. Likewise, they are not allowed to use a “wireless communication device.” Please, no texting or calling while you are driving in the car beside me.
Perhaps because I do have two teenagers, I end up counseling a lot of adolescents and their families. If I can establish a little trust with both sides that come to see me, my greatest ability in the relationship is one of translator. I usually am not invested in what the parent’s issues are and so can work with the kid to get the parents to see life from a teen’s point of view. If I can get the kid to lighten up on the attitude and use adult-friendly language, they usually walk out of the office feeling heard and gain back at least a little of the power they seek. Likewise, since I have kids, and worked in the Trauma Room at Methodist Hospital, I understand parental concern and even fear. I have seen what rolls into the hospital at midnight and I am the guy that had to make that call in the middle of the night. I know first hand what happens in the real world. BTW- midnight is the bewitching hour and kids need to be in before then. I will also admit that what I have seen has influenced where I draw boundaries with my kids (my son once told me that the gift he was going to give to his kids was that he would NOT work in an ER). Since I am not their parent, I can usually say the same thing that their parent has been saying (visualize Charlie Brown’s teacher and “BLAH BLAH BLAH”) for some time but the client-teen will hear it when I say it.
One of the issues that is a regular topic of discussion is when should the young teen start this education process around driving. The idea of Mommy’s little man or Daddy’s little girl behind the wheel is a sobering visualization. Not only does one realize how time has slipped past but also we are immediately struck with the immaturity level of our child and the starting place of “they’re not ready to drive.” It is a constant topic for discussion (or negotiation) in my office. To every parent’s surprise I come down on the side of the kid and encourage the parent to get them started behind the wheel as soon as possible.
Here is my rationale. Call the day that the child gets to drive by themselves (with your permission) Drive-Day. You do have control over when D-Day occurs. Hold out until the child is ready and as responsible as you can influence them to be. But the fact remains that the number of days between today and D-Day are finite. Let’s call that number X Days. Lets call the number of hours that the child practices in X days- call them Y hours. You can control the number of Y hours that the driver drives in X days. Here, more is better. As unnerving as it is, get them out and get them driving. There are things that happen on the road we cannot predict, and no amount of “telling about them” will substitute for experience. Clearly, the way we drive will influence our teens but until they witness another driver blow a red light and nearly kill them while behind the wheel, will they pay closer attention and increase awareness at lights. Putting off their driving will only limit their experience, and ultimately we as parents get to choose D-Day. I want your child (and you want mine) to have as much experience between now and then as possible.

“In the spirit of full disclosure, both of my teenagers are now driving.”
Daniel Gowan

Natural Consequences

This is perhaps the most practical article I have ever written. It followed the article on boundary setting with children as a practical "how to" to guide setting consequences.

Natural Consequences With Children

I have spent 16 years trying to give my experience to my children. I have concluded that this attempt has been a horrible failure as it relates to changing their choice of behavior. As I have watched others struggle with child rearing, and struggled myself, I have concluded that natural consequence is the most effective behavior modification available to parents. There is a theory of learning and behavior modification that states right thinking will lead to right behavior. It is wrong! Thank goodness this thought prevails or the sale of self-help books would plummet! Experience will show however that you act your way into right thinking, you do not think your way into right acting. This is why it is so difficult to tell a child what to do. The consequence of a behavior is a far better teacher than anything we are going to tell them.
Experience in life is about action and consequence. As parents, then, the best we can do is hope that reflection about the consequence will lead to changed behavior. When the consequence is related to the behavior, this child then is faced with greater stakes the next time the situation arises. It would be nice if we could simply confer as parents and come up with a rolodex of behaviors and then list the corresponding natural consequence we would like to impose, but it is rarely that simple. I have found however a few principles that help me determine where to go in correlating consequence with behavior.
First, the parent must not “fix” all of the child’s problems. If you save the individual from the consequences of their behavior, then the behavior will not change. Completing the science project for them because they started too late only fosters a dependence on you, rather than moving them towards independence.
Second, consequence needs to be related. If the issue with the child is not calling to check in while at the mall with friends, they will not relate to a consequence of extra chores during the week. Perhaps loss of the cell phone for a couple of weeks is more important and understandable to the child.
Third, the consequence needs to be reasonable. If the child is responsible for feeding the family pet, we don’t let the dog die of starvation. We can relate the issue of eating to the situation and then Junior does not eat until Fido is fed.
Finally, the consequence must keep the child safe. If the issue is drinking and driving drunk, it is not safe to let them drive drunk and wait for the wreck. The safer consequence for driving impaired is not driving. Love is defined by Peck (The Road Less Traveled) as “the extension of ourselves for the purpose of nurturing another’s spiritual growth.” I like that. When we set appropriate boundaries and consequences for our children, we are expressing our love for them. It is not love to simply let them do what they want. Our job as parents is to equip our children as they grow to meet the world on their own. They will not always have us there to save them, and it is our job to teach them how to be in this world without a dependency on us. Natural consequence will help us do that with them.

The Price Parents Pay

My practice (and my family) sit in West Plano, a high prosperity area. We chose to live here 20 years ago based on an outstanding School District rating. It has not been without cost however. This is a response to the News articles on this area.

The Price Parents Pay
With a senior at West, I was not surprised at the stories of excess that were relayed in the Dallas Morning News series The Price of Prosperity. As a parent, I too readily recognize the pressures that my kids face to “keep up” as well as the internal tension I personally have to deal with as I grapple with my own history and the desires I have for my children. As a counselor I have come to see that parental responses to kids over issues like spending and accountability fall along the traditional bell curve. My admission here is that I probably fall onto the more conservative/strict half of the bell than do many parents. With that caveat aside, I would also submit that the point of the series was that the whole curve is skewed with the level of prosperity that is found in parts of Collin County. So the task of modeling and instructing appropriate behavior for our kids does become a challenge.
I asked a parent/client where balance was for them on this issue, and he laughed and said that it was the point they waived at as they shot from one extreme to the other. I can relate. For us, we have found that balance on spending must include participation by the child in setting limits. In addition, the child must have the freedom to choose an alternative within these same boundaries. Credit cards with no limits don’t fly in our house.
We gave my son an old truck of mine when he began to drive. He is expected to pay for gas and insurance. This meant a job, or no truck. What he has discovered recently is that it is a gas guzzling truck. Gas is costing more. More hours of work vs. fewer miles driven. (See how nicely this is starting to work?) He has his own checking and savings account, and is expected to keep up with his debit card. I was surprised however when he relayed that in class the other day, only about half the students had a checking account and that of those, only 2 of the kids balanced their own checkbook. We gave my son a pay as you go cell phone and started him with a few minutes. It is his responsibility to pay for it. His time, his minutes, his money. He gets to see the relationship first hand. I will add that we will occasionally buy him a card for phone minutes and a tank of gas, but we try to hold to the principle that he is ultimately responsible for these items.
We have also begun to encourage savings. Do the math with your child on a Roth IRA that begins at age 16. It becomes easier to get a buy in around the savings plan. (I wish my Dad had done that for me!).
Our daughter gets a (fairly) regular allowance that has some flexibility for more dollars with more chores. When the “I wants” start, we defer quickly to “You’re welcome to use your own money.” A level of thoughtfulness then ensues about how important the want really is. It is this consideration that I believe we are trying to instill.
To ignore teaching these lessons to our kids sets them up for failure unless the money is always going to be unlimited. (Sorry, I can’t speak to that situation…) Consumerism is a big deal these days for them and for us. I believe we owe it to our children to teach them how to match wants and needs with reality and ability to pay. The cost in not doing this is a harsh harsh lesson for the child down the road when there may not be a safety net.