Katie Couric's show ran a provocative, borderline shock value peice about the current language kids use and the codes around parents.
Sex Ed 101
I guess we should all feel better now that NBC’s Katie Couric has given us the code words that teens are using around sex. We can all sleep better with the knowledge that “hooking up” has multiple meanings and that “friends with benefits” does not include health care. It makes for titillating T.V. but how does this information, or the statistic that 4 of 10 fifteen-sixteen year olds have had sex, help us in our community. This subject is not going to go away, and I am sure that it will be controversial to our children’s grandchildren as it is to us. It amazes me however how our society wants to argue and delegate around sex education. Should it be in the school? Should the school teach abstinence? What about safe sex? Should STD’s be talked about? Where have our kids gone to find out about sex?
I would suggest that we have confused the issue. From an educational point of view, of course we need to teach biology. The reproductive system in the human species is not about values, it is a matter of fact. And our kids need to know these facts.
It is the issue of the timing about reproduction, methods of birth control and issues of sexually transmitted diseases that cause the discussion to heat up. As a counselor and as a minister I offer that these issues of value and morality do not belong to the government, but rather, to the family, and by extension, the church. Sexuality is a gift from God, one meant to be enjoyed, expressed and appreciated. This is not a new role for the church, i.e., discussions of morality, simply one that the church needs to reclaim.
Where have you stepped up to enhance the biology lesson with discussions of morality and values with your children? How do you model respect for the other sex in your relationship with your spouse? When have you discussed the differences between men and women and their approach to visual images? How has this discussion informed the way your daughter dresses in public? I am not a prude, but I was dumbfounded last week to see a well developed female teenager 14-15 years old wearing a revealing t-shirt (she had ripped it to show cleavage) with the inscription on the front that said “Porn Star.” She was shopping with her mother. How have you talked with your son about pornography and the relationship between these images and real life relationships?
Personally, I do not want PISD teaching morality to my children. That is not their job (and by the way, they don’t want it), but becomes their responsibility when we saddle them with teaching anything other than biology. I do however, expect my church to step up to the plate here. Sex education needs to be a process, not a one-time discussion. As kids age, we need to continue to address it as their experience and understanding increases. The pastoral counselor in me tells me that our churches need to be the voice in the wilderness on this issue. We need to provide this structure, influence, support and safety to our kids.
If you think a “just say no” campaign is working, you have your head in the sand.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sex Driven Values
Sex Driven Values
In line at the grocery store I was struck by the cover of the December issue of Cosmo. Eva Longoria was smiling to greet my 13-year-old daughter and I, and her top (Eva’s) was just low enough to accentuate the cleavage. Promised topics in this issue included “Guys’ Sex Drive- The Dirty Little Bedroom Secrets Nobody Wants to Talk About.” And: “Girl On Top- The 9 Pleasure-Maxing Sex Positions Will Send You Both to the Moon.” And: “The Sexiest Things to Do Before Sex- Discover The Real Meaning of Shower Power.” And: “Your Sexual Health- STD News Gynos Don’t Share.” And we are told, Eva’s interview is the “sauciest ever.” It is explicit. The Holiday Issue!
I am not a prude. Sensuality, sexuality and sex are fun. But so is emotional connection. My issue with the issue is the presumption that the standard that Cosmo posits is the one that Society seems to accept. Sex drives differ. Happy, successful couples have a regular, healthy sex life. But the “regular” part is one they have worked out. Not Cosmo or Madison Avenue.
Next time you are in the bookstore wander over to the magazines. Look at the covers found in “Men’s Interest.” Now go over to “Women’s Interest” and compare. Same women, same flat stomachs, same promise of sexuality. When parents of adolescent boys come to me with their concerns over their child viewing internet porn it usually takes a few minutes for the parent to sort through their concerns and fears for their child. But one of the resounding themes that emerge is that real life sex is not like that. Non-stop sex at the drop of a hat without intimacy is not healthy. Nor is it realistic. Cosmo disagrees. We are told all about women’s sex drive in their advise to men. “Chances are, your little bed devil is usually up for a hearty roll in the hay. (She’s a Cosmo girl after all).” Look, I understand that Cosmo is about selling magazines, not setting standards, but enough exposure to this message places unrealistic expectations on a sexual relationship and the individuals in the relationship.
Often, if not usually, couples have differences in their sex drive. On a scale of 1-10, Cosmo would have us all at an 8-10. Reality shows that like most things, most of us are at a 4-6 and there are about the same number of 2’s and 3’s as there are 8’s and 9’s.
I counsel couples to begin discussions on where their relationship needs are in four areas when we look at this topic. (It is useful if you have been married 2 years or 20 years). First, ask and offer what the needs are for you and your partner in the areas of physical intimacy (hand holding, neck rubs, pats on the fanny). Second, consider your needs in the area of emotional intimacy. Honestly, this is usually harder for guys than it is for women, but it is worth the effort, if both can be honest with themselves and with each other. Third, what are your sex needs? Are you a Cosmo bed devil that falls on a 9 or a 10? Or are you with the rest of us with needs closer to the middle. Problems arise when a 3 marries an 8 and they cannot resolve it. The anxiety over this will come out sideways in the relationship. Finally, where are you, as a couple with your lovemaking needs? I’ve got to tell you that it took me a long time to understand that this was not the same as sex. Maybe it is a guy thing, but a healthy discussion between partners may free both of you up to move the relationship forward in this area.
What limits you from enjoying or participating in these areas? Where do your ideas overlap? Where can you work on compromise? Perhaps most importantly, what is “regular” to ya’ll? Your relationship will benefit if you recognize that these areas are best defined by you both, not by Cosmopolitan. A gift to each other.
In line at the grocery store I was struck by the cover of the December issue of Cosmo. Eva Longoria was smiling to greet my 13-year-old daughter and I, and her top (Eva’s) was just low enough to accentuate the cleavage. Promised topics in this issue included “Guys’ Sex Drive- The Dirty Little Bedroom Secrets Nobody Wants to Talk About.” And: “Girl On Top- The 9 Pleasure-Maxing Sex Positions Will Send You Both to the Moon.” And: “The Sexiest Things to Do Before Sex- Discover The Real Meaning of Shower Power.” And: “Your Sexual Health- STD News Gynos Don’t Share.” And we are told, Eva’s interview is the “sauciest ever.” It is explicit. The Holiday Issue!
I am not a prude. Sensuality, sexuality and sex are fun. But so is emotional connection. My issue with the issue is the presumption that the standard that Cosmo posits is the one that Society seems to accept. Sex drives differ. Happy, successful couples have a regular, healthy sex life. But the “regular” part is one they have worked out. Not Cosmo or Madison Avenue.
Next time you are in the bookstore wander over to the magazines. Look at the covers found in “Men’s Interest.” Now go over to “Women’s Interest” and compare. Same women, same flat stomachs, same promise of sexuality. When parents of adolescent boys come to me with their concerns over their child viewing internet porn it usually takes a few minutes for the parent to sort through their concerns and fears for their child. But one of the resounding themes that emerge is that real life sex is not like that. Non-stop sex at the drop of a hat without intimacy is not healthy. Nor is it realistic. Cosmo disagrees. We are told all about women’s sex drive in their advise to men. “Chances are, your little bed devil is usually up for a hearty roll in the hay. (She’s a Cosmo girl after all).” Look, I understand that Cosmo is about selling magazines, not setting standards, but enough exposure to this message places unrealistic expectations on a sexual relationship and the individuals in the relationship.
Often, if not usually, couples have differences in their sex drive. On a scale of 1-10, Cosmo would have us all at an 8-10. Reality shows that like most things, most of us are at a 4-6 and there are about the same number of 2’s and 3’s as there are 8’s and 9’s.
I counsel couples to begin discussions on where their relationship needs are in four areas when we look at this topic. (It is useful if you have been married 2 years or 20 years). First, ask and offer what the needs are for you and your partner in the areas of physical intimacy (hand holding, neck rubs, pats on the fanny). Second, consider your needs in the area of emotional intimacy. Honestly, this is usually harder for guys than it is for women, but it is worth the effort, if both can be honest with themselves and with each other. Third, what are your sex needs? Are you a Cosmo bed devil that falls on a 9 or a 10? Or are you with the rest of us with needs closer to the middle. Problems arise when a 3 marries an 8 and they cannot resolve it. The anxiety over this will come out sideways in the relationship. Finally, where are you, as a couple with your lovemaking needs? I’ve got to tell you that it took me a long time to understand that this was not the same as sex. Maybe it is a guy thing, but a healthy discussion between partners may free both of you up to move the relationship forward in this area.
What limits you from enjoying or participating in these areas? Where do your ideas overlap? Where can you work on compromise? Perhaps most importantly, what is “regular” to ya’ll? Your relationship will benefit if you recognize that these areas are best defined by you both, not by Cosmopolitan. A gift to each other.
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