From November CampTalk - Outdoor Parenting

My son went dove hunting for years before he was big enough to shoot. With the safety course under his belt at 12, he became a full fledged member of the opening day group that I had been out with for years. The 4:30 am breakfast, the drive to Snyder, steak the night before at Bucks- all of it took on a new flavor when he graduated from spectator. And, gratefully, in his first year there were a lot of birds and he limited out well before noon. The second morning at the café held just as much promise and excitement and everyone was talking about their failures and successes the day before. Mid breakfast one of the comments caught my ear. If I heard right, some of the guys at the next table had limited opening morning and had returned to a tank that afternoon for additional shooting. I watched closely to see if my son picked it up. It seemed to be going over his head but by now I was hearing more comments about the double dip. This table of guys slowly realized that their discussion was being overheard and that my son was examining them. A friend sitting to my right leaned into my ear and asked me how much Nintendo a reward would buy if my son turned in the poachers. The talk turned and I dismissed the event and never really thought of it again.

I don’t hold myself up as the beacon of ethics in the outdoor world, but I do try to consider what is right and wrong, and certainly what is legal. I learned my lesson when the game warden caught me without a plug over a pond in North Dakota. I explained truthfully to him that I had been turkey hunting the week before in Missouri where plugs were not required. With his ball point pen inserted as a plug and a warning, he sent me back to the pond. I don’t think of myself as particularly virtuous but when I had kids I noticed my behavior was being watched by people very important to me, and ones I seemed to have an impact on. I had no idea I was talking to other drivers until my (then) three year old son asked me “what a gashole was.” I blanched, and told him the best that I could come up with, that it was where you put the gas into the truck. My lesson about talking to other drivers was learned there as well

Last year in Snyder, 8 years later, my son thanked me for not taking him back out to shoot more than his limit on his first opening dove day. “I would have hated to have had to work through that” he said. And I wasn’t even sure he was paying attention.

Side by Side in Camptalk

The following is the article currently running (August 09) in Camptalk, the monthly publication of the Dallas Safari Club. I have secured a column there based on the concept of "Outdoor Parenting." My kids are tolerating it well so far. Time will tell.

Side By Side:
My son got this terrible look on his face. All I had done was ask him to step out onto the porch with me as I needed to talk to him. He didn’t want to go outside and I asked him why. “Because you’re like the Santa Claus of bad news when we have to talk on the porch. It’s where you talk about STD’s, drugs, my speeding ticket, smoking, and every other thing I have ever done wrong.” He really did catch me by surprise. He was relieved to find out I only wanted to ask about his schedule and an elk hunt draw in Colorado. We didn’t draw Colorado that year but he pointed something out to me in the exchange. That is, very little of my “telling” is well received. Truth be told, most of the wisdom I have ever been able to impart to my kids has been while we were side-by-side, certainly not face to face.
“Why does the buck chase the doe?” he asked me when we were sitting on Willow Creek outside Mason. We had let the doe and the trailing buck go but my son tossed me a pitch that any Dad could have hit out of the park. The chance to tell my boy about the birds the bees and the bucks, and he brought it up!
I told him about the rut, I told him about estrus, I told him about fawns and fights and I told him what went where and what happened when it got there. With every piece of information he kind of blinked and adjusted his neck. I finished and let him ponder all of this for just a moment and then laid the punch line on him. “And it is just like that for people too” I told him. With a look of shock and awe he turned to me wide-eyed and said “NOOOO” loud enough that the buck (long since gone) probably heard him.
When you’re side-by-side with your kid you can sneak up on them. For some reason, a kid can talk to the parent easier if both are facing forward. One of the most important aspects of hunting and fishing with my kids has been the windshield time we got to spend together. With a trip longer than the one to the 7-11 the topics invariably get deeper. If you listen you can begin to hear what they truly are worried about and dealing with.
Parenting is more art than science. The sooner we learn to take up the teaching moments when they occur, side by side, the sooner we get to engage our kids about what is important.

Boundaries and Adolescents

My first article published in the Morning News. A client couple had brought me a child to "fix." I needed to work more with the parents than the child.......

Boundaries and Adolescents

This fall I entrust another child to PISD as she moves to middle school. As a parent, I would prefer to continue with Indian Princess. As a counselor I recognize that adolescence has begun, and my task as parent is to provide safe boundaries in which she can grow. Not always an easy task. I remember her and see her as a smaller child but am constantly challenged to see her as a young adult. Boundaries, I know, are to be tested. It is difficult for me to hold the line at times, and will admit that it is easier to do ahead of time, rather than in the thick of the battle. Having done this once already, I see some of the pitfalls that lie ahead. First when you are told by your adolescent (it doesn’t matter if they are 13 or 17….) that no one else has a curfew, it is not true. When you are told that no one else’s parents call to check if there is a parent at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to call if their plans change, it is not true. When you are told that there is always beer and pot at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to work, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to pay for their auto insurance and gas, it is not true. When you are told that everyone is having sex, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to spend time with their family, it is not true.
If these are true for your child’s friends, then your child needs new friends, because the parents of these friends do not know how to set boundaries for their children, and they are hurting them far more than helping them.
The rough guidelines that we begin with include curfew with acknowledgement that nothing begins until school work is addressed. Once plans are made, we expect them to remain constant unless we are asked about it ahead of time. (Phone calls to ask to change plans at 11:40 pm with a midnight curfew don’t get approved). We expect to know where our kids are and who they are with. At younger ages, I demand to know who is providing the supervision. Even at older ages it is not safe to turn our kids loose to just drive around town with their friends, and come and go wherever and whenever they please.
Growth from adolescence to young adulthood is a big jump. The risk is to allow a child the freedoms of adulthood without the responsibility. I see many parents try to avoid the conflict of having to set appropriate boundaries (and natural consequences when violated), but the cost in abandoning your child is their emotional and social retardation. Once on their own, the child has little else to do but fail. The workforce, college, and the real world in general does not take on the task to provide a responsibility-free lifestyle. Boundaries at their best, keep everybody safe. When responsibility is shown, it is appropriate to move the boundary. It is a fluid process, and one with which I am not always comfortable. I do believe that the struggle is worth it however, our children are too important to simply hand over to the world without equipping them.
P.S. – If your adolescent is female, you need to read Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher.

Marriage Counseling

Better Marriage Relationships

If the truth be known, I am probably only a marginally effective marriage counselor. The only redemption in accepting this statement is that I am not sure any of my peers rank higher. It is not that I don’t have enough education or technique. I have licenses and diplomas that clearly illustrate that I am educated well beyond my own intelligence. There is a contributing factor to this process, however, that limits a counselor from moving the couple along to a higher functional level. That limiting factor is the willingness or ability of the couple themselves to participate.
Whenever a couple comes in, one or both acknowledges that they have problems in the relationship that need to be fixed, and even “probably have some things they should look at about themselves.” This is code for “I need to look like I am open to the process, but frankly, if the other one in this relationship would deal with their issues [that are offensive to me], we would be fine.” The only exception to this slam dunk truth is when one or both have been working on their “stuff” individually before relational counseling and have dealt with their contribution to the relationship. Then the slam dunk truth is only partially true.
As marriage counselors, we work with what shows up in the office and the art of our job is to identify the level at which the couple is playing and try to coach them further up the curve. Again the growth is limited not only by our educational skill but by our ability to relate at whatever level the couple arrives with. So couples, here are some things you can do to further growth in your relationship, whether you use a counseling process or not. As the line goes (with apologies to Jerry Maquire), “Help us help you!”
First, tap into your ability to be self honest. Growth begins when you look at you. Of course you see the faults in the other better than they do. The ability to focus on others rather than ourselves leads to blame which ensures we never see our part. The relationship does not improve until both parts improve their offering.
Second, learn that you are responsible for your own feelings, and your own happiness. If you are not sure of what it is you need or want, how in the world do you expect your partner to participate? Handing them responsibility for your happiness again puts you into the victim role and you hand away the power you have for getting your needs met. “They should know what I want/like without me having to ask for it” is a recipe for disaster, frustration and is not true.
Third, develop better boundaries. Protective boundaries keep us from having to take on what others say or do. Containment boundaries keep us from stepping on other people’s toes. Learn to develop both or you will drain your level of emotional energy that is required to work in an effective relationship. This is very difficult work and most don’t do it very well. I usually spend several sessions with couples just on boundaries. Take a class, read a book, practice with each other. You and the relationship deserve better than what most of bring in the area of boundaries.
Finally, marriage is not a net-sum relationship. There should be unlimited love, acceptance and positive regard. For one to win, the other does not have to lose (a feature of dysfunctional homes). The quick indicator I watch for is the level of reactivity around criticism and defensiveness. Couples describe horrible fights from last Tuesday, but 3 weeks from now cannot even tell you what they were about. This indicates reactivity not a meaningful conflict or difference. Reactivity is always tied to history and almost always predates the couple. Deal with the history and learn about you or you will blame the other for your unhappiness for the rest of the relationship. (Then whoever dies first wins).
Most of us spent more time in Driver’s Ed than we did learning about healthy relationships. If you want to improve yours, growth is available, and it is a rewarding effort. Help us help you.

Relationships on Hold

My son answered the phone one time too many at the dinner table. I'll fix him......... (published in the Dallas News).

Relational Respect

In 1982 I took my first position out of college with Eli Lilly & Co. Probably the greatest perk for that job was the mobile phone (not cellular) they provided us. The handset was mounted on the dash and about the size of a loaf of bread. The box that fueled it was mounted in the trunk and was the size of a small microwave. To get one in Dallas, the wait was 5-7 years, so I drove to Brownwood to get one sooner. The installation only took 9 hours. As you traveled from town to town, you toggled the tower numbers on the control panel according to a national directory you were given. I was always careful to call ahead to let my date know I’d be a few minutes late. It always impressed and to have a mobile phone when no one else did truly fed my ego.
Flash forward 25 years and my 13 year old sends photos and texts on a phone smaller than a pack of cards. We can’t get through a meal without somebody’s phone going off. We sure are in touch with each other. Today, the status is found with the one that can turn the phone off, or go somewhere without it. Kids today (I now officially sound like my father) see nothing wrong with interrupting an in-person conversation with someone to take a call, or respond to a text. Back when Alexander introduced the ringing of the phone to the world, it tapped into a primal need we have to be wanted and valued by another. The urgency in a ringing phone took hold there and has been passed down from generation to generation. An interesting byproduct of this however is that we now claim the urgency of the ring (or vibration) over the actual importance of the call. If you don’t believe me, listen to your neighbor at Starbucks or dinner and pay attention to the inane level of conversation. When did that become urgent or important?
I first thought the cell phone (and email and AIM and etc.) were going to help us improve our relationships. We were going to be able to connect better. We were going to be able to show others we value them. What I see however is how we show the ones we are with how much we do not value them when we place our interest in the unknown at the other end of the cell.
I have begun to believe that this busy-ness (at the expense of the relationship) is so we do not have to deal with others or ourselves at an intimate level. We are, after all, too busy. I have clients, in my office for marriage counseling, who have convinced their spouse that they do not know how to turn off their Blackberry. Please. I have seen them answer the call in my office because it was ringing. At some point intention- and what we want to believe about someone else- gets trumped by what their behavior indicates. When you are sitting in marriage counseling, and you answer the phone, it is because the call is more important than the spouse. Bet if you drop the PDA in a bucket of water it will turn off (or at least mute the ring).
The way to meet the need to be known by another (and to know them) is through appropriate intimacies (that may in fact be through the use of a cell phone) that focus on how we show the other they are important to us. “Put the phone away at dinner” I tell my kids, “and pay attention to those of us, with you, at the table.” There is a time to “check in” with others but not at the expense of the one you are with in person. Especially when on the counselor’s couch talking about marriage problems around communication.

The Usefulness of Al-Anon

A few years back Al-Anon sent out a request for publications, to clinicians who incorporated 12 step programs into their work with clients. That would be me! A peice of this was used in their literature and also led to later filming for an Al-Anon PSA.

One Professional’s Use of Al-Anon

My counseling practice is hosted by a faith-based organization and many clients come in who are trying to manage or begin to understand the disease of alcoholism. The concept of a family disease is usually foreign to them by name, but when we begin to consider behaviors within the family system, the client can usually begin to recognize the pervasiveness of this disease. Given where the practice stands, we usually end up discussing the morality of alcoholism amidst the struggle of family members who are trying to “make the alcoholic quit” or at least modify the other person’s behavior. I explore this desire by encouraging the family members to consider that the alcoholic is a sick person trying to get well, rather than a bad person trying to get good.
Al-Anon is a useful resource for the family members (and friends) to go and explore how they participate in this system, or family disease. We are hopeful about getting the alcoholic to modify their behavior, but I challenge these family members to consider that they need to begin to look at where they can change their own behavior and perspective. I am careful at this point to explain that this is not about blame, but rather seeing the system from third person, and understanding that they need to be willing to work on their own behaviors. We accept that alcoholism is a family disease, and members of the family must show willingness to address this disease if they plan to ask the alcoholic to address the disease. My rule for members of an alcoholic system is that you don’t put more effort into the alcoholic’s recovery than the alcoholic will. But, conversely, everyone must be willing to begin to work on his or her own stuff. Al-Anon is the first place I send clients to help them begin to understand this principle of participation in the system. In counseling jargon, they are invited to understand their own level of self-differentiation within the family. In addition, the principles of Al-Anon promote higher levels of this self-differentiation. A simple example of this is when a member learns and internalizes that they do not have the power to “cause” someone else’s alcoholism. To learn that they cannot “control” or “cure” the disease allows the individual to begin to consider where their level of control is, and how they might engage the alcoholic differently- perhaps even to “detach with love.” (When this is internalized, the family member usually fully grasps the usefulness and challenges found within the Serenity Prayer).
Alcoholism is a family disease, and as such, must be treated within the entire family. The drinking is but a symptom of the problem. Otherwise, abstinence from alcohol would eliminate all problems. Usually not the case. Attendance at Al-Anon is the fastest way I can get clients to engage in a healthy fashion with this disease. I point out that to resist treating their role in the system is no different than the alcoholic refusing to quit drinking. I am convinced that the number one feature of this disease is denial. This is true for both the alcoholic and the al-anon. Solution focus within the meetings and for the participants moves the clients to a place where they gain some relief, begin to grow, and move them to deal with their own situation productively.

Christian Counseling?

Is There Room For Religion in Christian Counseling?

“Do you do Christian counseling?” The caller had asked a question that I have come to fear and one which raises the hair on the back of my neck. I have learned not to answer directly, but rather to respond, “why do you ask?” Sometimes the caller wishes to explore my belief system and approach to counseling, but I am finding that a large percentage of the calls are out of fear and in response to how they have been treated by their last “Christian Counselor.”
In the movie “Leap of Faith” Steve Martin plays Jonas Nightengale- a convincing faith healer/con man who never wavers in telling people to ante-up with their faith and their money if they expect changes in their life. When the changes don’t happen he is happy to allow that his parishioner victims simply did not have enough faith.
When a “Christian Counselor” blames a client’s circumstance solely on lack of faith or a client’s unchanged circumstance on poor prayer habits, it is religious abuse. The counseling process must be about more than religious directives in spite of a particular client’s circumstance.
A 1992 Gallup Poll shows that of those seeking counseling:
“Sixty six percent prefer a professional counselor who represented their spiritual values and belief, and 81% preferred to have their own values and beliefs integrated into the counseling process.”
In light of this, it is clear that most clients seek counseling that will be congruent with his or her own values. But what exactly are the counselor’s values? The range is very wide, even on such basic notions as biblical inerrancy and salvation. There is something very warm about knowing that one’s decision is truly God’s decision. Unfortunately, the counseling does not come with the guarantee that God’s will is truly being followed or suggested. Credentials and licenses may help, but the possibility of abuse is tremendous. Denominational requirements for ordination vary all the way from $25.00 ministerial licenses available on the Internet to traditional Protestant ordination paths of 4-6 years of supervised process and education. Rabbinical pursuits may be longer yet with demands of study in Jerusalem. Licenses are only minimum standards set by secular state government for counseling, and other private associations set their own standards. Some of these designations are truly helpful. Which ones?
Even good intention and piety do not necessarily overlap with quality counseling. If the counselor imposes their values behind the skirts of Divine Directive, again, it is religious abuse. Which teller window is the client stepping up to?
The difference between Pastoral/Christian counseling and secular counseling is directly related to the importance that the counselor and client place on the religious or spiritual influence within the encounter. At one end of the continuum is the position that religion or spirituality plays no role in the process. At the other end is the position claimed by the counselor (and granted by the client) that the counselor speaks for God, and so directs the client. A healthy place for the client to begin this journey of placing themselves on this spectrum is around the their own understanding (I ask them to articulate it) as to why “Christian” or “Religious” counseling is important to them. In exchange the counselor should be able to articulate an answer as to why they claim to be a pastoral or “Christian” counselor and describe and explain their credentials around counseling and ministry. Don’t accept these answers at face value without exploring what they mean for you or for the counselor. If scripture or religion is to be used as a weapon to manipulate behavior or feelings then the client needs to be very cautious, and please, don’t call it Christian or pastoral.