Lost Trophies

This was an article for the Dallas Safari Club Newsletter from a column I write- Outdoor Parenting- in which I lament the loss of control over my trophy room. Man cave stuff. On the plus side, the trophies have helped connect me with the kids.

Lost Trophies - Outdoor Parenting

Sometime recently, when I wasn’t looking, the balance of power shifted in my house. It went unnoticed until we began to paint the living room. Why that event is significant is that we had to take all the trophies down to do the work. Once completed I assumed we were going to put them back up where they were. “You know dad, the European skulls kind of overwhelm the room.” My daughter was looking at the walls.

Whoa! This from the girl that insisted the turkey mount be full body because her brother had never shot one. This from the girl that made sure the Gold Medal plaque is on the wall by her axis so it is not confused with other animals. Surely she wants the deer horns displayed.

“Then I think we will put all the white-tail horns in the hallway” I declared. And the shift of power became clearly apparent. “No, not the hallway either.” By now the Alpha Female was behind her, supporting her. “I thought you liked the trophies” I offered in a bit of a whine- it was my final gambit-expand the argument to all trophies, not just the skulls.

“I do” she said, “but the skulls just don’t fit the décor any more.” Game, set , match.

I have had to reassess my attachment to the trophies and I have started to see that I have had as much enjoyment out of them on the wall as I did when they were taken. Most of them aren’t mine. My son’s first buck was an 8 point that he downed in the middle of Willow Creek in Mason. The deer was 2 ½, and my son was about 10. 6 years later, my daughter leaned against the same tree and took her first deer. That deer helped us out in that his horn was flopping on his face, loose from a fight. About the time he started to notice my daughter setting up for the shot, his antler would draw his attention away from her. She finally got the shot. We must have taken 20 pictures of her posing with her deer. Old Mr. Harper, our taxidermist, did a fine job putting the horn back onto the skull.

The rack with the most mass is from a buck my son took when he was 14. He made the shot, and the buck ran into the brush. When he couldn’t find it immediately, he assumed he missed and sat dejected the rest of the morning. When I came to pick him up he took me through the shot and I was able to show him how to find where the deer was standing, find blood from the impact and find a dead deer. Magnificent trophy.

The last time the three of us hunted together on the same trip was the day after Thanksgiving 4 years ago. We arrived at the lease in OK about 3:00 in the afternoon and my daughter and I sat together. We had been there less that 20 minutes when I saw Mr. Big walking through the mesquites. I told her to cover her ears and took the shot. On our way over to see if I had connected, we heard a shot from his stand. We took the two best bucks of our lives within a span of 15 minutes. My daughter took a doe the next morning and the ride home with a truck full of deer was one of the most satisfying I can remember. Every antler on the wall carries specific memories and feelings for me, mostly around time with my kids.

What I have discovered in the loss of my antler collection is that I don’t go back to the woods as often after dinner as I used to. The trophies are a 3 dimensional scrapbook that captivates my interest and ties me to my kids through the experience. When my son left for college, it coincided with my daughter moving to things like make-up and other interests outside of my manipulations. As a Dad I am pedaling as fast as I can to see where I can continue to connect with her. And for now, the horns are stacked on the workbench in the garage. I did get a concession from the other team that if I moved the bookshelves out of the office, and use only one wall, I could keep the horns in there. The office may become my new favorite room.

A Belated Thank You to Mepps Spinner Company

Another article for the Dallas Safari Club (Outdoor Parenting Column).

Catching Kids

As a kid striving to learn to hunt and fish, I had the misfortune of being raised in the city. My monthly Field and Stream was one of the principle lifelines to my hopes of achieving outdoorsman status. Ed Zern inside the back cover held just as much interest for me as did the adds just ahead of him. My relationship with the Mepps Lure Company began back there with their ad to buy squirrel tales to adorn their spinners. This was probably my first real introduction to the idea of recycling. Hunt the squirrel, eat the squirrel, sell the squirrel tail to be made into a fishing lure. Buy lures with the money and catch fish. Eat the fish. Mepps was green before being green was cool. Mepps and I go way back.

The only real vacation Dad was consistent about was to take a week in the summer and take my brother and I camping. We lived in Toronto and camped all over Ontario. In 1967 I was standing on a log protruding into the river at Algonquin Provincial Park dragging a #2 Aglia Spinner through the water. A flash of silver came from under my log, slammed the lure, and the rod doubled immediately before the line snapped. Dad took me fishing all the time but never new how to fish and I was self-taught. At age 8 I learned the double lesson of drag and the use of wire leaders for pike.

Later that year I was to catch one of my most interesting trophies. I was popping a number 2 silver Mepps with minnow along the bank at Old Mill Park in Toronto and hooked a small bass. He was tagged and quite a puzzle. I asked around at the lake and was told that the Queen of England had released a hundred tagged fish into the lake the day before to celebrate the Centennial of Canada’s independence from Britain. It was 1967. The tag was redeemed at City Hall for a medallion that still sits in my drawer 40 years later. I was so excited about the catch that I wrote to Mepps to tell them in precise and excruciating detail how I caught the fish. Their response was noteworthy. I was sent a patch affirming me as Master Angler. They sent a personal letter to me not only congratulating me on my catch, but also on my story. They included 7 or 8 articles that were hand typed and had been published in outdoor magazines about fishing by various writers. They paid attention to me and encouraged me.

My love of the outdoors continues today and I have done my best to infect my kids with it. My first degree was in Forestry and while my careers have changed over time, I continue to strive to maintain my outdoorsman status. In addition I belong to the Texas Outdoor Writers Association (TOWA) and try to share my experiences with others though this and and other publications. How much of all of this is because Dad took me camping or because Mepps took 15 minutes to respond to an 8 year old?

I got a letter in the mail the other day, one I suspect was sent to all TOWA members from Mepps. It seems they are running low on squirrel tales and are trying to get the word out that it is now legal to sell them they skins if you live in Texas. If you have never spent a day with your kid picking off squirrels with a .22 then here is a great bonus to the event. Teach them about this recycling thing and start talking conservation (not preservation) and sustained yield and use the squirrel tails as the vehicle. Mepps needs them, you need the time with your children, the kids need it and our future generations need it.

Lets recycle this encouragement and gratitude thing too. So I say thank you Dad for getting me out there, and thank you Mepps for you kind words way back then.

Circle of Life

When my daughter brought home chickens to raise, we learned a lot about poultry, discipline and natural consequences.

The Circle of Life

Did you know Plano West High School has an FFA Chapter? Neither did I. Knock me over with a (chicken) feather because my 17 year old West Plano Princess is raising chickens in our garage to compete in the Collin County Fair. And yes, the purple jackets are the same as they were when we were in High School.

When she came to her mother and I to propose the idea I queried her about her thoughts on the downside of the project. She admitted that the butchering would be difficult if she got attached to them. I have encouraged her not to name the birds. But we are learning as we go. Apparently culling is necessary to encourage max growth for the better specimens. Of course, only Premium Show Chow is adequate for the project. Interestingly, this is the first time that the harvested product will be more expensive per pound than my venison is.

What I like about the whole ordeal is that she is gaining exposure to the practical and business side of this circle of life we all participate in. We have always tried to connect the food in the grocery store with its true origin for the kids. When my son was 4 or 5 one of his favorite activities was to fish. Fortunately there was (and still is) a catfish farm over by the Mesquite airport. We had caught a couple and it occurred to me that this was a great opportunity to teach him about this circle. At the time about all he would eat was fish sticks. So, in language he could understand, I explained that we were going to make fish stick out of our catch and that we needed another one for Mom. As he pulled in another he held it up and in a stage whisper cautioned me, “Dad- Don’t tell him he’s for supper!” That level of sincerity and simplicity is humbling.

Both kids have had game as a part of their diet their entire life and have a better appreciation of His creation because of it. My daughter has decided that the outdoors and animals and business might coincide in college. She was pondering how to combine agriculture with business and Dad looked like a champ in telling her there is a true “Ag-Business degree.” Does anyone know of a good Ag school 3 hours south of Dallas? Is that a whooping noise coming from the chicken coop?

What remains puzzling through all of this is her interest in agriculture. Prior to FFA and the chickens, her exposure to agriculture was limited to the produce aisle at Central Market. The passion and drive is clearly hers, but honestly, her mother and I get to take credit for inviting her to love the outdoors. We had her camping while she was in diapers, bb guns before kindergarten and hunting and fishing from day one. I choose to believe that the hours we have spent away from computers and television is paying off in an area that my daughter will find satisfying. I regularly struggle with knowing where the line is between responsible parenting and self-satisfying manipulation but I truly do want what is best for my kids and if this is the direction her path is taking her, I am happy for her.

The executions, eh-the culling- starts tomorrow. I hope Speckle and Flipper make it.

Turkey Talk

It is usual that the people that punch our buttons the most are (in order) Parents, Spouse, Children. There are reasons for it (and I will not trouble you with why that is true at this time), just suffice to say we get plenty of practice in being healthy functional adults when we are with the ones we love.

“I don’t WANT to sit there” my daughter protested. “I won’t be able to see!” I was suggesting my 10 year old sit behind a scraggly bush 40 yards from the hen decoy. Her Christmas .22 was being employed to hunt turkeys on Willow Creek in Mason and a gobbler had already sounded once from the tree. The decoy was straight in front of us and a live oak behind us would contribute to breaking up our outline.

This was the second run in I had had with the princess that morning. The first had been when we took her rifle and my shotgun out of the Jeep. “Why are you bringing that?” she asked? “In case you need help when you shoot a gobbler,” I replied. “I do not need your help, you are not to shoot my bird” my confident 10 year old proclaimed.

So our dawn pre-hunt discussion had deteriorated to an argument about where the best place to sit would be. I tried to be as patient as I could. I really did. I explained that if she sat beside the bush the bird would see her. If one landed she could see through the bare bush with enough clarity to get a bead on the bird. “No” she said, “I am sitting over there.” I had had it.

“Marie- Do you know a lot about turkey hunting?” I demanded of her on her first venture out. She paused only a moment and countered with “I know quite a bit!” It is impossible to argue with a headstrong 10 year old and feel like you are winning. It was time to trump. I was preparing to threaten to call the whole thing off, and tell her we were done hunting when I got an assist. Two gobblers called from the roost not 100 yards away. In a voice as excited as I could muster, I told her to sit down, “here they come.” Sit down she did and sure enough, one strike of my slate caller brought a jake down on the far side of the decoy. As he walked to the bird he sensed something wasn’t right and he took a right angle to the decoy and us at about 50 yards. I whispered to my daughter that this was probably the best shot she would get and to take it if she wanted it. She lifted the bolt action with open sights and sent a long rifle hollow point at the bird. You could see the impact but the bird really started moving. Forgetting her earlier demands, she implored me to “shoot him again Daddy shoot him again!” A load of 4’s from the Benelli rolled him as my daughter squealed at bagging the bird.

If those birds had not gobbled when they did I hate to think how the day would have turned out. When I run out of patience or get too tired I lose all creativity, and in some cases, sensibility dealing with my kids. When I get to that point I play the power card. This comes out as “because I said so” or “because that’s just the way it is.” Spanking falls into this category. Now I am not totally against spanking, but what I will say is that at least 75% of the time a parent resorts to hitting their kid it is because they can’t figure out another way to get their point across.

Both my kids have been real different. I have had to adapt and grow as a parent and the growth was necessary. It seems like we all want to let down when we get home from work, but what I say, is that when we get with our kids, the work begins. The work of parenting, of trying to do our part to raise them and be in relationship with them.

I will give you that it is hard to recognize a defiant child as simply one asking for love but it is the truth. And I can’t take their behavior personally, I must recognize it for what it is, an attempt to get attention. Negative attention is still attention so if I want the behavior to improve, I have to be smarter than a 5^th grader in meeting their behavior. And continue to hope for an assist from the odd turkey.

From November CampTalk - Outdoor Parenting

My son went dove hunting for years before he was big enough to shoot. With the safety course under his belt at 12, he became a full fledged member of the opening day group that I had been out with for years. The 4:30 am breakfast, the drive to Snyder, steak the night before at Bucks- all of it took on a new flavor when he graduated from spectator. And, gratefully, in his first year there were a lot of birds and he limited out well before noon. The second morning at the café held just as much promise and excitement and everyone was talking about their failures and successes the day before. Mid breakfast one of the comments caught my ear. If I heard right, some of the guys at the next table had limited opening morning and had returned to a tank that afternoon for additional shooting. I watched closely to see if my son picked it up. It seemed to be going over his head but by now I was hearing more comments about the double dip. This table of guys slowly realized that their discussion was being overheard and that my son was examining them. A friend sitting to my right leaned into my ear and asked me how much Nintendo a reward would buy if my son turned in the poachers. The talk turned and I dismissed the event and never really thought of it again.

I don’t hold myself up as the beacon of ethics in the outdoor world, but I do try to consider what is right and wrong, and certainly what is legal. I learned my lesson when the game warden caught me without a plug over a pond in North Dakota. I explained truthfully to him that I had been turkey hunting the week before in Missouri where plugs were not required. With his ball point pen inserted as a plug and a warning, he sent me back to the pond. I don’t think of myself as particularly virtuous but when I had kids I noticed my behavior was being watched by people very important to me, and ones I seemed to have an impact on. I had no idea I was talking to other drivers until my (then) three year old son asked me “what a gashole was.” I blanched, and told him the best that I could come up with, that it was where you put the gas into the truck. My lesson about talking to other drivers was learned there as well

Last year in Snyder, 8 years later, my son thanked me for not taking him back out to shoot more than his limit on his first opening dove day. “I would have hated to have had to work through that” he said. And I wasn’t even sure he was paying attention.

Side by Side in Camptalk

The following is the article currently running (August 09) in Camptalk, the monthly publication of the Dallas Safari Club. I have secured a column there based on the concept of "Outdoor Parenting." My kids are tolerating it well so far. Time will tell.

Side By Side:
My son got this terrible look on his face. All I had done was ask him to step out onto the porch with me as I needed to talk to him. He didn’t want to go outside and I asked him why. “Because you’re like the Santa Claus of bad news when we have to talk on the porch. It’s where you talk about STD’s, drugs, my speeding ticket, smoking, and every other thing I have ever done wrong.” He really did catch me by surprise. He was relieved to find out I only wanted to ask about his schedule and an elk hunt draw in Colorado. We didn’t draw Colorado that year but he pointed something out to me in the exchange. That is, very little of my “telling” is well received. Truth be told, most of the wisdom I have ever been able to impart to my kids has been while we were side-by-side, certainly not face to face.
“Why does the buck chase the doe?” he asked me when we were sitting on Willow Creek outside Mason. We had let the doe and the trailing buck go but my son tossed me a pitch that any Dad could have hit out of the park. The chance to tell my boy about the birds the bees and the bucks, and he brought it up!
I told him about the rut, I told him about estrus, I told him about fawns and fights and I told him what went where and what happened when it got there. With every piece of information he kind of blinked and adjusted his neck. I finished and let him ponder all of this for just a moment and then laid the punch line on him. “And it is just like that for people too” I told him. With a look of shock and awe he turned to me wide-eyed and said “NOOOO” loud enough that the buck (long since gone) probably heard him.
When you’re side-by-side with your kid you can sneak up on them. For some reason, a kid can talk to the parent easier if both are facing forward. One of the most important aspects of hunting and fishing with my kids has been the windshield time we got to spend together. With a trip longer than the one to the 7-11 the topics invariably get deeper. If you listen you can begin to hear what they truly are worried about and dealing with.
Parenting is more art than science. The sooner we learn to take up the teaching moments when they occur, side by side, the sooner we get to engage our kids about what is important.

Boundaries and Adolescents

My first article published in the Morning News. A client couple had brought me a child to "fix." I needed to work more with the parents than the child.......

Boundaries and Adolescents

This fall I entrust another child to PISD as she moves to middle school. As a parent, I would prefer to continue with Indian Princess. As a counselor I recognize that adolescence has begun, and my task as parent is to provide safe boundaries in which she can grow. Not always an easy task. I remember her and see her as a smaller child but am constantly challenged to see her as a young adult. Boundaries, I know, are to be tested. It is difficult for me to hold the line at times, and will admit that it is easier to do ahead of time, rather than in the thick of the battle. Having done this once already, I see some of the pitfalls that lie ahead. First when you are told by your adolescent (it doesn’t matter if they are 13 or 17….) that no one else has a curfew, it is not true. When you are told that no one else’s parents call to check if there is a parent at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to call if their plans change, it is not true. When you are told that there is always beer and pot at the party, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to work, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to pay for their auto insurance and gas, it is not true. When you are told that everyone is having sex, it is not true. When you are told that no one else has to spend time with their family, it is not true.
If these are true for your child’s friends, then your child needs new friends, because the parents of these friends do not know how to set boundaries for their children, and they are hurting them far more than helping them.
The rough guidelines that we begin with include curfew with acknowledgement that nothing begins until school work is addressed. Once plans are made, we expect them to remain constant unless we are asked about it ahead of time. (Phone calls to ask to change plans at 11:40 pm with a midnight curfew don’t get approved). We expect to know where our kids are and who they are with. At younger ages, I demand to know who is providing the supervision. Even at older ages it is not safe to turn our kids loose to just drive around town with their friends, and come and go wherever and whenever they please.
Growth from adolescence to young adulthood is a big jump. The risk is to allow a child the freedoms of adulthood without the responsibility. I see many parents try to avoid the conflict of having to set appropriate boundaries (and natural consequences when violated), but the cost in abandoning your child is their emotional and social retardation. Once on their own, the child has little else to do but fail. The workforce, college, and the real world in general does not take on the task to provide a responsibility-free lifestyle. Boundaries at their best, keep everybody safe. When responsibility is shown, it is appropriate to move the boundary. It is a fluid process, and one with which I am not always comfortable. I do believe that the struggle is worth it however, our children are too important to simply hand over to the world without equipping them.
P.S. – If your adolescent is female, you need to read Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher.

Marriage Counseling

Better Marriage Relationships

If the truth be known, I am probably only a marginally effective marriage counselor. The only redemption in accepting this statement is that I am not sure any of my peers rank higher. It is not that I don’t have enough education or technique. I have licenses and diplomas that clearly illustrate that I am educated well beyond my own intelligence. There is a contributing factor to this process, however, that limits a counselor from moving the couple along to a higher functional level. That limiting factor is the willingness or ability of the couple themselves to participate.
Whenever a couple comes in, one or both acknowledges that they have problems in the relationship that need to be fixed, and even “probably have some things they should look at about themselves.” This is code for “I need to look like I am open to the process, but frankly, if the other one in this relationship would deal with their issues [that are offensive to me], we would be fine.” The only exception to this slam dunk truth is when one or both have been working on their “stuff” individually before relational counseling and have dealt with their contribution to the relationship. Then the slam dunk truth is only partially true.
As marriage counselors, we work with what shows up in the office and the art of our job is to identify the level at which the couple is playing and try to coach them further up the curve. Again the growth is limited not only by our educational skill but by our ability to relate at whatever level the couple arrives with. So couples, here are some things you can do to further growth in your relationship, whether you use a counseling process or not. As the line goes (with apologies to Jerry Maquire), “Help us help you!”
First, tap into your ability to be self honest. Growth begins when you look at you. Of course you see the faults in the other better than they do. The ability to focus on others rather than ourselves leads to blame which ensures we never see our part. The relationship does not improve until both parts improve their offering.
Second, learn that you are responsible for your own feelings, and your own happiness. If you are not sure of what it is you need or want, how in the world do you expect your partner to participate? Handing them responsibility for your happiness again puts you into the victim role and you hand away the power you have for getting your needs met. “They should know what I want/like without me having to ask for it” is a recipe for disaster, frustration and is not true.
Third, develop better boundaries. Protective boundaries keep us from having to take on what others say or do. Containment boundaries keep us from stepping on other people’s toes. Learn to develop both or you will drain your level of emotional energy that is required to work in an effective relationship. This is very difficult work and most don’t do it very well. I usually spend several sessions with couples just on boundaries. Take a class, read a book, practice with each other. You and the relationship deserve better than what most of bring in the area of boundaries.
Finally, marriage is not a net-sum relationship. There should be unlimited love, acceptance and positive regard. For one to win, the other does not have to lose (a feature of dysfunctional homes). The quick indicator I watch for is the level of reactivity around criticism and defensiveness. Couples describe horrible fights from last Tuesday, but 3 weeks from now cannot even tell you what they were about. This indicates reactivity not a meaningful conflict or difference. Reactivity is always tied to history and almost always predates the couple. Deal with the history and learn about you or you will blame the other for your unhappiness for the rest of the relationship. (Then whoever dies first wins).
Most of us spent more time in Driver’s Ed than we did learning about healthy relationships. If you want to improve yours, growth is available, and it is a rewarding effort. Help us help you.

Relationships on Hold

My son answered the phone one time too many at the dinner table. I'll fix him......... (published in the Dallas News).

Relational Respect

In 1982 I took my first position out of college with Eli Lilly & Co. Probably the greatest perk for that job was the mobile phone (not cellular) they provided us. The handset was mounted on the dash and about the size of a loaf of bread. The box that fueled it was mounted in the trunk and was the size of a small microwave. To get one in Dallas, the wait was 5-7 years, so I drove to Brownwood to get one sooner. The installation only took 9 hours. As you traveled from town to town, you toggled the tower numbers on the control panel according to a national directory you were given. I was always careful to call ahead to let my date know I’d be a few minutes late. It always impressed and to have a mobile phone when no one else did truly fed my ego.
Flash forward 25 years and my 13 year old sends photos and texts on a phone smaller than a pack of cards. We can’t get through a meal without somebody’s phone going off. We sure are in touch with each other. Today, the status is found with the one that can turn the phone off, or go somewhere without it. Kids today (I now officially sound like my father) see nothing wrong with interrupting an in-person conversation with someone to take a call, or respond to a text. Back when Alexander introduced the ringing of the phone to the world, it tapped into a primal need we have to be wanted and valued by another. The urgency in a ringing phone took hold there and has been passed down from generation to generation. An interesting byproduct of this however is that we now claim the urgency of the ring (or vibration) over the actual importance of the call. If you don’t believe me, listen to your neighbor at Starbucks or dinner and pay attention to the inane level of conversation. When did that become urgent or important?
I first thought the cell phone (and email and AIM and etc.) were going to help us improve our relationships. We were going to be able to connect better. We were going to be able to show others we value them. What I see however is how we show the ones we are with how much we do not value them when we place our interest in the unknown at the other end of the cell.
I have begun to believe that this busy-ness (at the expense of the relationship) is so we do not have to deal with others or ourselves at an intimate level. We are, after all, too busy. I have clients, in my office for marriage counseling, who have convinced their spouse that they do not know how to turn off their Blackberry. Please. I have seen them answer the call in my office because it was ringing. At some point intention- and what we want to believe about someone else- gets trumped by what their behavior indicates. When you are sitting in marriage counseling, and you answer the phone, it is because the call is more important than the spouse. Bet if you drop the PDA in a bucket of water it will turn off (or at least mute the ring).
The way to meet the need to be known by another (and to know them) is through appropriate intimacies (that may in fact be through the use of a cell phone) that focus on how we show the other they are important to us. “Put the phone away at dinner” I tell my kids, “and pay attention to those of us, with you, at the table.” There is a time to “check in” with others but not at the expense of the one you are with in person. Especially when on the counselor’s couch talking about marriage problems around communication.

The Usefulness of Al-Anon

A few years back Al-Anon sent out a request for publications, to clinicians who incorporated 12 step programs into their work with clients. That would be me! A peice of this was used in their literature and also led to later filming for an Al-Anon PSA.

One Professional’s Use of Al-Anon

My counseling practice is hosted by a faith-based organization and many clients come in who are trying to manage or begin to understand the disease of alcoholism. The concept of a family disease is usually foreign to them by name, but when we begin to consider behaviors within the family system, the client can usually begin to recognize the pervasiveness of this disease. Given where the practice stands, we usually end up discussing the morality of alcoholism amidst the struggle of family members who are trying to “make the alcoholic quit” or at least modify the other person’s behavior. I explore this desire by encouraging the family members to consider that the alcoholic is a sick person trying to get well, rather than a bad person trying to get good.
Al-Anon is a useful resource for the family members (and friends) to go and explore how they participate in this system, or family disease. We are hopeful about getting the alcoholic to modify their behavior, but I challenge these family members to consider that they need to begin to look at where they can change their own behavior and perspective. I am careful at this point to explain that this is not about blame, but rather seeing the system from third person, and understanding that they need to be willing to work on their own behaviors. We accept that alcoholism is a family disease, and members of the family must show willingness to address this disease if they plan to ask the alcoholic to address the disease. My rule for members of an alcoholic system is that you don’t put more effort into the alcoholic’s recovery than the alcoholic will. But, conversely, everyone must be willing to begin to work on his or her own stuff. Al-Anon is the first place I send clients to help them begin to understand this principle of participation in the system. In counseling jargon, they are invited to understand their own level of self-differentiation within the family. In addition, the principles of Al-Anon promote higher levels of this self-differentiation. A simple example of this is when a member learns and internalizes that they do not have the power to “cause” someone else’s alcoholism. To learn that they cannot “control” or “cure” the disease allows the individual to begin to consider where their level of control is, and how they might engage the alcoholic differently- perhaps even to “detach with love.” (When this is internalized, the family member usually fully grasps the usefulness and challenges found within the Serenity Prayer).
Alcoholism is a family disease, and as such, must be treated within the entire family. The drinking is but a symptom of the problem. Otherwise, abstinence from alcohol would eliminate all problems. Usually not the case. Attendance at Al-Anon is the fastest way I can get clients to engage in a healthy fashion with this disease. I point out that to resist treating their role in the system is no different than the alcoholic refusing to quit drinking. I am convinced that the number one feature of this disease is denial. This is true for both the alcoholic and the al-anon. Solution focus within the meetings and for the participants moves the clients to a place where they gain some relief, begin to grow, and move them to deal with their own situation productively.

Christian Counseling?

Is There Room For Religion in Christian Counseling?

“Do you do Christian counseling?” The caller had asked a question that I have come to fear and one which raises the hair on the back of my neck. I have learned not to answer directly, but rather to respond, “why do you ask?” Sometimes the caller wishes to explore my belief system and approach to counseling, but I am finding that a large percentage of the calls are out of fear and in response to how they have been treated by their last “Christian Counselor.”
In the movie “Leap of Faith” Steve Martin plays Jonas Nightengale- a convincing faith healer/con man who never wavers in telling people to ante-up with their faith and their money if they expect changes in their life. When the changes don’t happen he is happy to allow that his parishioner victims simply did not have enough faith.
When a “Christian Counselor” blames a client’s circumstance solely on lack of faith or a client’s unchanged circumstance on poor prayer habits, it is religious abuse. The counseling process must be about more than religious directives in spite of a particular client’s circumstance.
A 1992 Gallup Poll shows that of those seeking counseling:
“Sixty six percent prefer a professional counselor who represented their spiritual values and belief, and 81% preferred to have their own values and beliefs integrated into the counseling process.”
In light of this, it is clear that most clients seek counseling that will be congruent with his or her own values. But what exactly are the counselor’s values? The range is very wide, even on such basic notions as biblical inerrancy and salvation. There is something very warm about knowing that one’s decision is truly God’s decision. Unfortunately, the counseling does not come with the guarantee that God’s will is truly being followed or suggested. Credentials and licenses may help, but the possibility of abuse is tremendous. Denominational requirements for ordination vary all the way from $25.00 ministerial licenses available on the Internet to traditional Protestant ordination paths of 4-6 years of supervised process and education. Rabbinical pursuits may be longer yet with demands of study in Jerusalem. Licenses are only minimum standards set by secular state government for counseling, and other private associations set their own standards. Some of these designations are truly helpful. Which ones?
Even good intention and piety do not necessarily overlap with quality counseling. If the counselor imposes their values behind the skirts of Divine Directive, again, it is religious abuse. Which teller window is the client stepping up to?
The difference between Pastoral/Christian counseling and secular counseling is directly related to the importance that the counselor and client place on the religious or spiritual influence within the encounter. At one end of the continuum is the position that religion or spirituality plays no role in the process. At the other end is the position claimed by the counselor (and granted by the client) that the counselor speaks for God, and so directs the client. A healthy place for the client to begin this journey of placing themselves on this spectrum is around the their own understanding (I ask them to articulate it) as to why “Christian” or “Religious” counseling is important to them. In exchange the counselor should be able to articulate an answer as to why they claim to be a pastoral or “Christian” counselor and describe and explain their credentials around counseling and ministry. Don’t accept these answers at face value without exploring what they mean for you or for the counselor. If scripture or religion is to be used as a weapon to manipulate behavior or feelings then the client needs to be very cautious, and please, don’t call it Christian or pastoral.

Collaborative Divorce

This was written after I watched (again) a couple destroy their kids in the course of a bloody divorce. Anger usually creates casualties beyond the direct combatants.

Collaborative Divorce and Kids

Time after time I have watched teenagers, just prior to leaving home, initiate conflict or exaggerate a fight with their parents to facilitate the separation. This often leaves the parents confused and hurt at a time they are genuinely trying to connect. The tension serves to equip the child with a framework of motivation to ease the separation. Fortunately, this dynamic plays a useful and timely role in greasing this process, and dealt with productively, plays itself out in a short time frame. I am seeing that this paradigm occurs between adults at the time of divorce, and the dynamic fuels the friction with many couples. Unfortunately, it puts the kids in the family in an untenable position with the potential for elevated pain and suffering.
In divorce counseling, Rule Number One says that no matter how big a jerk your soon-to-be ex is, do not say anything negative about them to the kids. Every ounce of negativity you offer to them in this way will return later on your head with an expanded consequence. I see my clients, children of a divorce, time and time again sitting in my office working out a clearer perspective of truth about both parents. When one or both parents have been negative towards the other, the child always ends up resenting the offender. This is true if the client is 12 or 32, and it is even more heightened if one parent has been lying about the other. The truth does come out. Your not-so-significant other may now be the jerk of your life, but they are still your child’s parent. You do not have the right to manipulate that relationship. All parents deserve a primary relationship with their child, one that is not controlled by another person.
You owe it to your kids to set aside your need to inflict pain. The pain you direct towards your ex will usually take out the onlookers, including your kids. This infliction may provide you with a momentary satisfaction but it will return to haunt you when the children figure out for themselves that you did it. I guarantee it. The fact that you are divorcing is adequate expression that you are both redefining your relationship with the other. You do not have the right to make your children an additional battlefield or you will count them among the casualties. By the way, this principle remains true despite how the other is treating you. I recognize the difficulty in accepting this piece of it, but it is true nonetheless.
Check out the collaborative law process in your state. It is a refreshing approach to this redefinition of relationship we call divorce. In this process, mutually beneficial resolutions are sought and the kid’s needs take on a higher priority in the process. I have seen the process serve the children and the couple well. The process does not work for all, but it is one of the resources available to divorcing couples that can strengthen their concern for the children’s well being.
I can always find common ground with feuding parties, sometimes we just have to take a step or two back from the conflict to see it in a different light. If you begin this separation process with common ground around protecting the kids and putting their needs first you will do a better job, a healthier job, in redefining your relationship. That is after all- divorce at its simplest- a redefining of boundaries in a relationship. You will enhance your relationship with your child if you deal appropriately with them in their relationship with their other parent.

Depression, Suicide, Medicine.

This was the most painful peice I ever wrote. It is the adaptation of the sermon I preached after my friend killed himself. It was a real risk to preach this at the funeral, as I was unsure how it would be received. It was recieved well. After it ran in the Dallas Morning News, it was picked up and ran regionally in various papers.

Depression-Suicide-Medicine
My heart is hurting.
Last summer a good friend of mine died from his depression. As a minister, it was a privilege to serve his widow by presiding at his memorial service. As his friend I have cried before, during and after his funeral. Suicide invites us to evaluate our relationship with the person, and a lot of “what ifs?” and “if only I had…” surface in our mind. Yet as a counselor I know that depression takes people to places they would not go on their own, and at some point, get so far out there they cannot get back on their own, or even ask for help.
It is beyond the scope of this article to go into depression, medicine or suicide at any length but it there is a stigma that surrounds these issues that need to be considered. Mental illness is an organic chemical imbalance. This chemical imbalance can often be addressed in a number of ways. Exercise is one way. We’ve all heard of endorphins and their effect on the brain. While I personally don’t believe in endorphins while I am on the last quarter mile while running on the treadmill (then I only believe in panting), I do know that somehow I feel better if I work out regularly both physically and mentally. There is a physical reaction, an organic reaction that occurs in the brain that addresses the chemical imbalance when someone is depressed. Another way this chemical imbalance can be addressed is through counseling. Changes in brain chemistry can be made with changes in behavior. You can act your way into right thinking (and feeling) in many circumstances. The process is gradual, though remarkable progress can be made. Another way to address the chemical imbalance is through medicine. Sometimes it is the only way, depending on the imbalance.
Depression is best addressed however with a combination of these resources, including medicine. Unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to depression, and its treatment. In fact, this stigma continues with most mental illness. With education and time, I hope this stigma disappears. (We used to believe there was something wrong with left-handed people. Ever heard of a “left handed compliment?” The stigma around being left-handed is the etiological source of this phrase). Anyway, there is resistance to the belief that medicine is appropriate for use in depression. That somehow the individual should just “snap themselves out of it.”
If you subscribe to this approach I would challenge you to tell a diabetic to “just get over it” without their insulin, or that someone should just “snap out” of their high blood pressure. The principle is the same. Medicine can help address the chemical imbalance of the diabetic, one with high blood pressure and the depressed.
I cannot begin to imagine the dark place that my friend found himself when suicide seemed like a good choice. To be in a place where the ending of one’s life looks like a reasonable alternative. To be in that place, something is chemically broken in the brain and the illness succeeded in taking his life. If my practice is any indicator, men seek treatment far less that women do, yet studies show that depression affects both sexes about the same. If you or someone you know suffers from depression (or think you might), please take a step towards health and recovery. You do not have to live like this.
My heart is hurting.

Divorce in the Holidays

Divorce in the Holidays

Relationships can be tough this time of year. I call it the Bermuda Triangle of holidays. For many, this will be the first set of holidays without a loved one. Broken relationships can take many forms. Most in Collin County have experienced divorce in their family. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah and New Year’s Day take on radically different meanings when it is the first time through without a spouse. In my practice I often hear the same words of loss, anger and depression as those used when we experience a loss through death as well.
I used to think grief occurred like stair steps. You moved through one stage and “stepped up” to the next one. My experience is different than this however. What I have observed with mine and other’s grief is that it is more circular (think Slinky). One day we have a level of acceptance about the loss, and the next we try to deny it. Over time however, we seem to move through all of the stages while returning to each periodically. With time, the rawness begins to dissipate. Sometimes slowly and I am not sure that it ever completely goes away. Sometimes we are given the opportunity to deal with these feelings, these “stages,” at different levels. Like the layers of the onion, we can usually go deeper.
When I facilitate divorce recovery groups (or other loss-related groups) we try to deal with the feelings in a productive manner. My experience is that the groups generally go either into the solution -or- into the problem (sometimes in spite of where I try to take them). My theory is that we must deal with the feelings in a productive way or they are going to come out sideways down the road. A constant look backwards rarely allows us to move into today, let alone tomorrow. It is clear to me that grief involves the sadness of dealing with lost hope for the present and the future. This can be true hope-lessness. With productive, solution oriented work (and time) the hope for the future and the hope for the present can be more hope-ful, but it must be a new and different hope. Grief is about reconciling these two perspectives between lost and new hopes.
Traditions often tie us to these hopes of the past. This is why it is so difficult to experience great times of tradition like Thanksgiving or Christmas. The holiday is just not the same if we all aren’t there. But a new hope-fulness would encourage us to develop a new tradition that helps us move on while still enjoying an existing tradition in a new way.
At the counseling center where I practice we used to use the Divorce Recovery Groups to allow people to vent and focus on their feelings of hope-lessness. We have changed on this. Now, we offer to walk forward with people. Perhaps we are just offering to walk a different part of the journey with people, but my observation is- people continue to grow and move forward with forward looking behavior. We even changed the title, and now call the group “Ready to Heal.”
It sounds simplistic but I have observed that the people who are happy in life are the ones who focus on what they have and the unhappy folks are the ones who constantly focus on what they don’t have. To that end a productive move through grief and loss may include some of the latter but a solution-oriented approach will continue to encourage us towards a focus on what we do (and will) have.

Drive Day For Teens

This is an article that was written as my youngest began to drive. It hit me clearly that she needed as much experience as she could obtain. Not that she is a bad driver (only 1 speeding ticket to date!) but experience does not substitute for ability.

Drive Day

For several years I have modified my email electronic signature to note events or trends in my children’s lives. It occurred to me the other day that a change is impending as my 14 year old daughter anticipates learning to drive.
In Texas the kids get to start learning to drive at 15 or so to prepare for the licensing process. Generally, with a few hours of classroom teaching, the student can obtain an instruction permit once they are 15. This permit allows them to begin behind the wheel education. With a minimum of 6 months of further education (classroom, behind the wheel and testing) the student is eligible for licensing at 16. Even then there are additional limitations on the license. Two that I am very much in favor of are the prohibition of more than one passenger in the car that is under the age of 21. Focus is required for driving and a car full of your buddies does not contribute to this focus. Likewise, they are not allowed to use a “wireless communication device.” Please, no texting or calling while you are driving in the car beside me.
Perhaps because I do have two teenagers, I end up counseling a lot of adolescents and their families. If I can establish a little trust with both sides that come to see me, my greatest ability in the relationship is one of translator. I usually am not invested in what the parent’s issues are and so can work with the kid to get the parents to see life from a teen’s point of view. If I can get the kid to lighten up on the attitude and use adult-friendly language, they usually walk out of the office feeling heard and gain back at least a little of the power they seek. Likewise, since I have kids, and worked in the Trauma Room at Methodist Hospital, I understand parental concern and even fear. I have seen what rolls into the hospital at midnight and I am the guy that had to make that call in the middle of the night. I know first hand what happens in the real world. BTW- midnight is the bewitching hour and kids need to be in before then. I will also admit that what I have seen has influenced where I draw boundaries with my kids (my son once told me that the gift he was going to give to his kids was that he would NOT work in an ER). Since I am not their parent, I can usually say the same thing that their parent has been saying (visualize Charlie Brown’s teacher and “BLAH BLAH BLAH”) for some time but the client-teen will hear it when I say it.
One of the issues that is a regular topic of discussion is when should the young teen start this education process around driving. The idea of Mommy’s little man or Daddy’s little girl behind the wheel is a sobering visualization. Not only does one realize how time has slipped past but also we are immediately struck with the immaturity level of our child and the starting place of “they’re not ready to drive.” It is a constant topic for discussion (or negotiation) in my office. To every parent’s surprise I come down on the side of the kid and encourage the parent to get them started behind the wheel as soon as possible.
Here is my rationale. Call the day that the child gets to drive by themselves (with your permission) Drive-Day. You do have control over when D-Day occurs. Hold out until the child is ready and as responsible as you can influence them to be. But the fact remains that the number of days between today and D-Day are finite. Let’s call that number X Days. Lets call the number of hours that the child practices in X days- call them Y hours. You can control the number of Y hours that the driver drives in X days. Here, more is better. As unnerving as it is, get them out and get them driving. There are things that happen on the road we cannot predict, and no amount of “telling about them” will substitute for experience. Clearly, the way we drive will influence our teens but until they witness another driver blow a red light and nearly kill them while behind the wheel, will they pay closer attention and increase awareness at lights. Putting off their driving will only limit their experience, and ultimately we as parents get to choose D-Day. I want your child (and you want mine) to have as much experience between now and then as possible.

“In the spirit of full disclosure, both of my teenagers are now driving.”
Daniel Gowan

Sex Ed 101

Katie Couric's show ran a provocative, borderline shock value peice about the current language kids use and the codes around parents.

Sex Ed 101

I guess we should all feel better now that NBC’s Katie Couric has given us the code words that teens are using around sex. We can all sleep better with the knowledge that “hooking up” has multiple meanings and that “friends with benefits” does not include health care. It makes for titillating T.V. but how does this information, or the statistic that 4 of 10 fifteen-sixteen year olds have had sex, help us in our community. This subject is not going to go away, and I am sure that it will be controversial to our children’s grandchildren as it is to us. It amazes me however how our society wants to argue and delegate around sex education. Should it be in the school? Should the school teach abstinence? What about safe sex? Should STD’s be talked about? Where have our kids gone to find out about sex?
I would suggest that we have confused the issue. From an educational point of view, of course we need to teach biology. The reproductive system in the human species is not about values, it is a matter of fact. And our kids need to know these facts.
It is the issue of the timing about reproduction, methods of birth control and issues of sexually transmitted diseases that cause the discussion to heat up. As a counselor and as a minister I offer that these issues of value and morality do not belong to the government, but rather, to the family, and by extension, the church. Sexuality is a gift from God, one meant to be enjoyed, expressed and appreciated. This is not a new role for the church, i.e., discussions of morality, simply one that the church needs to reclaim.
Where have you stepped up to enhance the biology lesson with discussions of morality and values with your children? How do you model respect for the other sex in your relationship with your spouse? When have you discussed the differences between men and women and their approach to visual images? How has this discussion informed the way your daughter dresses in public? I am not a prude, but I was dumbfounded last week to see a well developed female teenager 14-15 years old wearing a revealing t-shirt (she had ripped it to show cleavage) with the inscription on the front that said “Porn Star.” She was shopping with her mother. How have you talked with your son about pornography and the relationship between these images and real life relationships?
Personally, I do not want PISD teaching morality to my children. That is not their job (and by the way, they don’t want it), but becomes their responsibility when we saddle them with teaching anything other than biology. I do however, expect my church to step up to the plate here. Sex education needs to be a process, not a one-time discussion. As kids age, we need to continue to address it as their experience and understanding increases. The pastoral counselor in me tells me that our churches need to be the voice in the wilderness on this issue. We need to provide this structure, influence, support and safety to our kids.
If you think a “just say no” campaign is working, you have your head in the sand.

Cyberspace with Kids

Technology is moving way faster than I am. And my kids (and yours) are right up there with the cutting edge of it. We need to pedal faster if we want to keep them in sight.


Walking With Our Kids Through Cyberspace

In the course of my counseling teens and their families one of the subjects we invariably get around to is computer usage. Unless Mom or Dad is in the computer business or high tech, the kids are savvier than the parents are. The somewhat offensive notion that we used to hold about our parents being a little doddering and out of touch has come true. Unfortunately we are them. Most, if not all, of my adolescent clients have their own web site under My Space or Facebook. Does your child have one? This is a site where anyone can claim a spot and start posting information, photos, music, video and invite comments from others. In an attempt to stay connected with my clients I posted my own MySpace (Actually my 13 year old did. This is obvious when you see that my profile tells the world that the focus of my world is my daughter and “I devote my life to serving her because the world revolves around her!”). I am then invited by others into their world on MySpace. In my “network” I am connected to 171,950,541 others. Friends of friends. There exist minimal safeguards to the sites for the underage. They must invite you to join their sites. I have the privilege of seeing what is on your child’s site. You clearly do not know what is out there, or at least we need to visit about what you are allowing your child to post. Risqué pictures, blatant racism, simulated sex video and provocative blogging. As you might imagine, meanness comes out as well. The drama of High School is now played out online as well as in the halls of the school.
Whenever I notice societal trends that concern me, I always pause to remember the video of the preacher of the 60’s ranting and berating rock and roll from the pulpit because it was going to destroy society. “Ask any young person what they like about this rock music- they will tell you it’s the beat!” 40 years later I am still trying to understand what is wrong with rhythm. So I try to be cautious before raising an alarm. I suppose what concerns me most is that without guidance, our kids are exploring uncharted waters. We are somewhat cautious about what our children are exposed to. That is what rating systems are about at the movies. We get the opportunity to help shape what meaning our children make of various information pieces. And, we get to help them relate consequences to behavior. If we do not walk with them on the computer, we cannot offer this to them. We used to think that the brain was pretty much developed by the mid teens. Newer research shows that the growth and maturation of the brain does not occur until about 22. What this indicates to me is that we cannot blindly allow our children to wander with no boundaries. Most parents would not turn a young teenager lose in downtown Dallas but that is exactly what we do with their brain as they go into a computer we don’t know how to navigate. It is seductive for them to use that space to practice relationship skills, and explore their creativity, but boundaries need to be offered, and most parents are not taking advantage of this opportunity to help shape their children.
College students are finding out that posting inappropriate material on the Web comes back to haunt them at job interviews when their activity no longer remains anonymous (it really never was anonymous, it only seemed so). Likewise for a young teen to fantasize or report about something they have done will bring consequence.
This is a great intersection for the parents to discuss trust with their child. The teen is going to rightly seek privacy. But trust must be earned, not simply granted. And its earning occurs with proof that appropriate choices are made. I would offer that the child gets to access their site and post whatever, but we as parents must maintain the right to cruise through it at our discretion. Again, this is a great opportunity to sit with them and reflect on what you see on the site and what it means to your child. I am not naïve enough to believe that this will be a welcomed activity (I too have teenagers), but you owe it to your child to know what they are doing in their neighborhood, and who is in it with them. The big difference today is that it is a neighborhood that we did not have access to when we were their age.

Adolescent Freedoms With Responsibility

This ran originally in the Dallas Morning News, then was picked up and ran with the United Methodist Reporter.

Freedom and Responsibility

As a Dad my fifteen year old tunes me out at home, but as a Counselor my adolescent clients are surprisingly candid and willing to talk about their lifestyle and what is happening in their lives. The parents of my daughter’s friends all know what I do for a living. When we run into each other socially someone usually prods me to find out what is really going on in our teen’s world. I avoid working when away from the office and can usually short circuit the conversation by saying they don’t want to know. If they really push, I threaten to tell them. They end up agreeing with me.
Kids who are having a great year don’t end up in my office so we understand from the start that the population I work with is defined up front by their propensity for some problem. There are some common threads that run through this group, common denominators that we as parents overlook at our peril and at our teen’s expense.
First is unsupervised time. What most parents forget, or never realize, is that identity is formed in tension with other individuals. We try on our identities, we practice our identities, and hopefully we end up choosing to become what we are called to be. But in this “practice time” the practice is usually in an area that parents should be cautious of. Muscles are formed when we exercise them. Bones decalcify in space without resistance. And our identities do not develop unless we are acting against something or someone else. The parent’s job here is to put some parameters on where or who this someone else is. I believe we are allowed to jerk our children back off the edge of a cliff and sometimes we need to. But if we don’t even know they are walking on the ledge we cannot participate.
Second, we need to attach responsibility to the freedom that the child seeks. Our kids are all about this idea of freedom and our role in this is to show them how to appreciate it. Appreciated freedom manifests itself in responsible behavior. I saw a very thought provoking editorial cartoon once that made this very point. Frame one posited “Two good examples of why we should leave our kids more than just money.” The next frame showed Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears on a drunken spree. When we are given freedom with no responsibility we never learn how to appreciate it or use it wisely. To do this, simply offer your child alternatives without taking their choices personally. Be home by midnight or lose the use of the car tomorrow night. Do your chores or don’t go out. Hand them back the power to choose and then their choices will reflect the opportunity to claim the responsibility that needs to accompany freedom. And the best part for me is that I get to recognize that their choice is then their responsibility and I do not have to invest in which choice they make.
This latter principle is directly related to the final one I offer you. Get with the other decision makers in the house so one of you does not erode the other’s power. Yes this is difficult, particularly in extended and mixed families. But if we can agree that the health and growth of the adolescent trumps all else, then we stand a chance of finding common ground upon which to offer these choices to our child. I had one client who had lost the use of his car as a reprimand. With some coaching, I told him that we could get the use of his car back if he would agree to be home by curfew (and he would have to do it on a consistent basis). He smiled and declined because he knew his Dad was going to give him back the car soon enough and Mom and Dad never agreed on curfew anyway. When Junior was out, he simply waited for Mom to raise the heat enough in messages to him on his cell that he would then call Dad back and assure him that he’d be home “soon.” In the vagueness of “soon”, he could get Mom and Dad to fight over the specific time, and Junior got to stay out drinking.
Responsibility must accompany freedom or it is really indulgence. If we as parents are not going to insist on this responsibility then we are abandoning our children. It might even lead one to suspect that our refusal to insist on this teaching with our children is the source of the lesson the child is learning. Our children deserve better.

Insurance Crisis

I finally figured out the role of the insurance company in the health care crisis. God help us all if the government steps in to "improve" what we have now. (That last sentence is code for "we are screwed")

Insurance Crisis

Last summer, after much encouragement from my wife, I made an appointment to see my physician about my snoring. (I was sleeping just fine- thank you). I am on my wife’s health plan and we hoped that since we were on the top tier plan (that means most expensive), that perhaps any necessary treatment would be a covered benefit. After a physical we found out that I was pretty healthy but I needed to watch my cholesterol, and a sleep study was warranted. The sleep lab called and had approval for the study from my insurance. What you go through for this evaluation is fodder for another story but suffice to say that for me, the emphasis was on their study, not my sleep. At any rate, after the doctor reads the evaluation he tells me that yes, I do indeed need one of those night time breathing machines, but will require another study to determine appropriate settings. The study was approved by Insurance Almighty and the study completed. My healthcare coverage even included the cost of the C-pap machine. We were told. At this point some of the claims started being rejected. I will save you the 6 hours of discussion that it took for me to finally glean what had happened. It seems that sleep disorders are not a covered benefit for my policy in 2007 (ironically they are in 08). My insurance “Claims Representative” was very helpful in telling me they should not have approved the work. At this point, the lab was paid but they were stiffing the physician. On my initial round of calls Cheryl in Chicago tells me that this was going to be called “an exception.” The mistake was theirs, and all associated work would be covered. Sounded good, but 3 months later, the bills are still unpaid, and the Supervisor I have appealed to tells me I never talked to Cheryl and I have never talked to Chicago.
At this point I find out that my wife’s employer actually has a contract with a negotiation company whose sole purpose in life is to argue with Insurance Almighty. Kind of a nice benefit isn’t it? What it tells me though is that this runaround we all get from the insurance companies is now standard practice and to be expected. The employer provides health insurance but only with a company that is not going to pay (at least not without hours and hours of arguing). This health advocate company also had my claims denied. I was left with one final appeal before lawsuit, and the insurance company finally paid.
In this same time frame I have had lab work to check the cholesterol. The lab has not been paid because the same insurance company has told them that my wife and I have other health insurance so they won’t pay. I am up to the appeal process here.
In gaining pre-approval for a colonoscopy (yes I am that old) the medical office said they were told it is covered benefit three calls our of five, so we went with the assumption that it will be covered. (My doctor said they used to do two calls out of three, but lately have had better accuracy with three out of five).
My father died last year and one of the kindest things he ever did was line up his own burial. One of the features he paid for was a life insurance policy that would pay off the arrangements if he died before payments were finished. We got the bill last week that said since my father died, he must have had a pre-existing condition that led to his death so they are not going to pay off his note. Huh? The doctor says the cancer wasn’t diagnosed until a year after dad bought this contract but maybe the insurance company knows something the oncologist doesn’t. I am not sure dad is all that willing to pay the difference at this point. I certainly am not.
When the recent storms took it’s toll on my satellite dish I dreaded what I knew was going to happen when I called the utility company. I am amazed to say that I now prefer to deal with a utility company over my insurance company. My only offering to you is that when you see the battle coming, start with a fresh sheet of paper and log all that is said. Date, time, who you talk to, content of conversation and ask for the reference number of the call. If I had an easy way to do it, I would record all calls. When I used to get that warning that “this call may be monitored” I had begun to hope that it was. But then I realized they may be monitoring the call to chastise the rep for being too helpful or too honest. A physician client of mine says this is standard operating procedure now. I do not know where this insurance thing is going, but if our own insurance company has become the enemy of our health, what is the point of having insurance at all.

Natural Consequences

This is perhaps the most practical article I have ever written. It followed the article on boundary setting with children as a practical "how to" to guide setting consequences.

Natural Consequences With Children

I have spent 16 years trying to give my experience to my children. I have concluded that this attempt has been a horrible failure as it relates to changing their choice of behavior. As I have watched others struggle with child rearing, and struggled myself, I have concluded that natural consequence is the most effective behavior modification available to parents. There is a theory of learning and behavior modification that states right thinking will lead to right behavior. It is wrong! Thank goodness this thought prevails or the sale of self-help books would plummet! Experience will show however that you act your way into right thinking, you do not think your way into right acting. This is why it is so difficult to tell a child what to do. The consequence of a behavior is a far better teacher than anything we are going to tell them.
Experience in life is about action and consequence. As parents, then, the best we can do is hope that reflection about the consequence will lead to changed behavior. When the consequence is related to the behavior, this child then is faced with greater stakes the next time the situation arises. It would be nice if we could simply confer as parents and come up with a rolodex of behaviors and then list the corresponding natural consequence we would like to impose, but it is rarely that simple. I have found however a few principles that help me determine where to go in correlating consequence with behavior.
First, the parent must not “fix” all of the child’s problems. If you save the individual from the consequences of their behavior, then the behavior will not change. Completing the science project for them because they started too late only fosters a dependence on you, rather than moving them towards independence.
Second, consequence needs to be related. If the issue with the child is not calling to check in while at the mall with friends, they will not relate to a consequence of extra chores during the week. Perhaps loss of the cell phone for a couple of weeks is more important and understandable to the child.
Third, the consequence needs to be reasonable. If the child is responsible for feeding the family pet, we don’t let the dog die of starvation. We can relate the issue of eating to the situation and then Junior does not eat until Fido is fed.
Finally, the consequence must keep the child safe. If the issue is drinking and driving drunk, it is not safe to let them drive drunk and wait for the wreck. The safer consequence for driving impaired is not driving. Love is defined by Peck (The Road Less Traveled) as “the extension of ourselves for the purpose of nurturing another’s spiritual growth.” I like that. When we set appropriate boundaries and consequences for our children, we are expressing our love for them. It is not love to simply let them do what they want. Our job as parents is to equip our children as they grow to meet the world on their own. They will not always have us there to save them, and it is our job to teach them how to be in this world without a dependency on us. Natural consequence will help us do that with them.